How it started
It all started when I was rejected. That night on November 6th, 2020 I was rejected. I felt like this wasn’t happening to me and in that moment, all I could do was sit on my bedroom floor and cry my eyes out. I felt so weak and emotionally drained, I didn’t know what to do and I felt so helpless.
The feelings
I would try my hardest to convince everyone that I'm doing okay. But deep down inside I knew all that was spewing from my mouth were lies … I was a liar, a cheat, an imposter, a fraud even. I didn’t deserve all the praise I would get from my Teachers at college on how well I was doing, there were even times when I would tear up when I heard all those nice, lovely things about me, but deep down inside I felt as if I didn’t deserve this praise.
It was like this rejection had taken over my whole life. It made me feel as though I wasn’t good enough … that I wasn’t special or able to be considered as something special. I would constantly have to analyze everything I do, even something so simple as walking, talking or going shopping I would over think it. I’d ask myself each time I do a normal regular everyday activity, whether I'm doing things right.
I would have good and bad days but there was a time when I was starting to feel better and put behind those negative thoughts behind me then, I was hit with a strange sense of déjà vu. I was hit with the rejection replaying in my head repeatedly… I then dropped to the floor and cried, suddenly all these negative voices clouded my head once again.
My unhealthy way of dealing with it
I decided to change things about myself after looking at pictures of these Instagram models and in that very moment I decided that I would reinvent myself. This was my coping mechanism, for dealing with the rejection. I decided that it was time for a change, so I put myself though the most extreme and unhealthy work out diet plan which I called it “speedy weight loss“.
I was becoming obsessed with this program that I had started for myself, which I would document on my private story on snapchat. I would do 1 hours' worth of fitness in the morning before college and 3 hours' worth of fitness in the evening. I knew I was burring myself out, but I didn’t care I just wanted to feel good and in order to do that I needed to change myself drastically.
There were days when I was so tired and in chronic pain that I couldn’t complete my work out plans, I’d stop doing my pushups as my arms would ache from doing this every single day.
A mother’s worry for her child
One day I was in the middle of my 3 hours, and I was home alone, my mum facetimed me and asked me what was going on? I remember in those brief moments when she said, “My darling daughter I love you just the way you are, and you don’t need to change anything about yourself in order to fit in.” I felt tears flood my eyes and I let them flow out onto my cheeks.
In that very moment I realized my mother knew about the weightless plan and I was emotional about it . I cried and cried then I stopped, and I ate my bellyful till the thought of food made me sick and rotten.
The wakeup call
I had a wakeup call; this was all shown to me through a dream. I was told to move on by my subconscious self, who took me on a journey of what my life would be like if I don’t move on from the rejection and to stop doubting myself and thinking that everyone is going to reject me and let me down.
I realized that it was time to move on and that it was time to push down these negative thoughts and focus on the positives.
But this was all short lived …
The battle
There was a part of me that still felt hopeless about the rejection and thinking about how it affected me emotionally, physically and academically (even though I was told I was doing well academically I felt like I was underachiever who didn’t deserve praise at all).
I tried my hardest to push down these thoughts as a part of me wanted to get better. I wanted to stop these spiraling negative thoughts that consumed my mind, my body and my soul. This was the biggest battle I had fought in my entire life, a battle with my subconscious self and my conscious self.
It was time for me to pick a side …
The big decision
I choose to speak out as it was eating me up inside. I genuinely wanted happiness and I genuinely wanted to move on from the rejection. I realized that I am special, valued and treasured. It took me a long time to realize that, especially since my head was clouded with negative thoughts.
Lessons learned
But I am glad that I was able to overcome my imposter syndrome. I’m not perfect and I still have moments where I do feel like a fraudster and not worthy of acknowledgement or praise but one thing, I have learnt is to not let it overcome me and that it is okay to not feel okay and sharing your issues with a person you trust the most can be very helpful.
This is all based on a truthful event that happened in my life, where I suffered from imposter syndrome.
Here’s a list of imposter syndrome symptoms that I faced and still face till this day but not as severe
• Self-doubt
• Fear that you won’t live up to expectations.
• Berating your performance
• Attributing your success to external factors
• Setting very challenging goals and feeling disappointed when you fall short.
• Rejection – which can be in any aspect of life and it doesn’t feel good.
Written By Ruona Obar
Our Imposter syndrome episode is now out on all platforms, so be sure to go and listen to what we had to say, to get a wider perspective on our views.
R.I.P Jaden
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